Sometimes I feel like the Doctor.

People walk into my lives and they get better. But then they walk out of my lives and I am left here, alone, to pick up the pieces and start all over again.

I'm glad I fixed you, I'm glad you're not depressed anymore. I just wished you hadn't lied and hadn't broken your promises to not be like everyone else. It'd be nice if someone would walk into my life to help me just for once....

So I'm still that creeper that Facebook stalks my ex to see what's up. Blah.

On the other hand I met a guy yesterday and remember why crushing on someone is a terrible, terrible way to live life. He is amazing, he is smart, funny and good looking and I'm just going to have to acknowledge that and move on. He doesn't appear interested in me and I'm not the kind of girl who can make guys like me if they're not interested in anyone.

*sigh* *give up*

And he's better than anyone else I've dated....he seems like he'd actually be a good person....Oh well. Whatever, this cannot be worth it.

I still don't entirely know what this blog is so I apologize if it seems like a random diary. I just feel the need to talk and so I shall. Oh yes I shall.

EDIT. Just visited recent ex's Facebook. He is officially single again. After not having any relationship status up since we'd been together.

Sometimes I feel I've got to run away, I've got to get away.

silly muse

Yes yes, I know I just wrote my first blog post a few minutes ago. And now look, I'm already back again for more. Silly internet addicted child....

Hush. Don't judge.

Hah. Sometimes I think I'm actually funny you know? And I think I am sometimes. Except to people I'm actually trying to impress and then I just sound stupid. Its the curse of the world. Mini tangent FTW!

You know what sucks? That I sit here at night and follow them both on Facebook and Blogger and Twitter and Youtube simply because I cannot dare to have them doing things I don't know about. I need to know what's going on in them lives because I miss them both so goddamn much.

As a people pleaser I let people walk all over me. Literally ALL OVER ME. It's especially frustrating because I can see it happening and I know I should be saying no, or yelling, or complaining and I don't. Ever. Seriously, its not ever. I am quiet and I let the world play itself out. For example I should have let you have it when you told me we could still be friends. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so stupid for believing "friends" would actually work. You lied again you know.
Why do people lie so compulsively? It's obvious when they lie, you can tell its all just a lie, a way to make believe everything works itself out. But its not and everybody knows it. Lies are ridiculous. We should just say what we mean. Yes a level of protecting people is good, but to the point where nothing said is the truth? Thats ridiculous! (And if you know me, INCREDIBLY HYPOCRITICAL--I'm the biggest liar ever. I simply pretend the world is fine when its not. Its better for THEM that way).

If you don't want to be friends with me, or be involved with me, or whatever then SAY IT. Don't tell me you'll be friends then never talk to me again, don't tell me you're leaving because I'm "better off". I THINK I FUCKING KNOW HOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME! Don't use my well-being as an excuse for your lack of interest. Get some balls and own up to your opinions. Oh right, you're one of them. You don't HAVE any balls. And you never will.

Sometimes it would be nice if people just said things. "I love you was a lie." "I'm not okay with us not having sex." "I don't like that your parents have rules." But no. Never. That's for sure too much to ask for.

Ah whatever, it's okay. I don't ask for anything anymore.

You'll give me what you want and keep the rest and spread more lies, but you will get all of me.

This is what you get when its 11 30 at night and I've just spent all day with people being reminded of my past mistakes. Consume, enjoy, move on. Thanks.

And so it begins

So honestly, I know that nobody cares at all what I have to say. And I really don't expect anyone to be reading this blog anyways. First of all, how is anybody going to find it? And secondly no one's interested to begin with.

But sometimes the multitude of thoughts within one's (my) head becomes a tad bit overwhelming. A blog seems like a much better place than Facebook to muse about the intricacies and suffering of life. Longer posts=better space to write stuff about being blah.

Which apparently I am quite a bit of the time.

But I have words and these words have places they should be. So when I get ahold of some words that need to spread their wings and fly among places more spacious than my head, I'm going to send them here. Perhaps here they will not fester like they do inside my head and rot from the inside out. Perhaps here they will make sense beyond the sad, lonely musings of a people pleaser.